The Top 5 Sex Rules That Get In the Way of Great Sex

Each of us believes and defends our own set of sex rules. These rules are not facts. They are judgements and opinions that we believe to be real. It is important to recognise and examine the Sex Rules that we are carrying around with us and into every sexual encounter.

We learn about sex from our experiences, from other people and the world around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex is, what sex should be, how often we should be having sex, who we ought to be having sex with. We are all free to form our own opinions as to what we think about sex, what men are like, what women are like. Sometimes we choose to believe things that do not help us find and sustain sexual pleasure. Instead we buy into rules that lead us to suppress our deepest desires and to deny the hope that things can get better.

Some of your Sex Rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs about your entitlement to pleasure, your freedom to explore what sexual fulfilment means to you and recognition of your entitlement to awaken and celebrate your sexual potential. You are probably also investing in other beliefs, which may be destructive to having great sexual experiences and are actually a source of anxiety and insecurity that undermines your confidence. Awareness is key to change. So take a look at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which ones sound familiar.

1. SHE/HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON

If we hold on to the idea that it is someone else's responsibility to 'give' us an orgasm, then we are abandoning our own responsibility. We are ALL different. There are no magical techniques that will send every single person into the throes of sexual ecstacy. Expecting your partner to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows you to remain detached from your own sexuality and lets you hang onto an imagined sense of safety through the lack of your own participation and responsibility. You need to put yourself on the line and put out there what it is that you want. It may be easier to listen

to your fears and stay silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up you will build up your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself and your sexual desires. You also enable your partner to do the same and both of you are starting to build successful sexual communication that will help you to find sexual fulfilment.

Any situation in which our anger and frustration are motivated by 'shoulds' indicated an abdication of responsibility. Mind reading, making assumptions about what other people should know, relieves you of having to go outside your familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves to the risk of 'failure', not getting right what they 'should' already know. Do not make other people do the work for you, trying to guess what it is that you want. It is not a successful strategy for great sex and it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection each time somebody fails to behave as you expect him or her to.

2 SEXUAL PASSION IS DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DECLINE.

The dizzying chemistry of the first months can be turned into a deeper sex-self-spirit connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Do not give up trying; the less sex you have the easier it is to convince yourself that it isn't important and so you decide to bury your disappointment and frustration. In any relationship, levels of desire will fluctuate. This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate with each other and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term relationship. This can easily lead to a situation in which there is no longer any physical touch between you and your partner and emotional connection and intimacy levels will begin to diminish.

Although it may not be easy, find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel that you are not happy with your current sex life otherwise your resentment that your sexual needs are unacknowledged and unmet can seep out and affect the general state of your relationship. You need to recognise that sometimes better sex takes some effort, time and commitment. It may not sound very sexy but sexiness is all in your perception. Some people choose to investigate Tantric practices, which widen the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can be experienced beyond the typical Western penetration-ejaculation approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is enough to re-ignite the sense of intimacy and enjoyment that has been lost.

3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX, ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE

This conviction completely simplifies and trivialises men's sexual responses. Men's levels of desire are affected by their thoughts and feelings, just as women's are. Men are not sexual machines who ready to perform upon command, although many messages that we receive about sex tell us that this is the case. This puts tremendous pressure on the man, leading to the performance anxiety that is familiar to many men. Somehow, when sex fails, for some women it is easier to blame the man rather than acknowledging that sexual connections between two people are controlled and created by both of those people, not just the man. When a woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling undesirable and unwanted whenever her partner does not want to have sex. For some women reflecting upon their assumptions can enable them to take more responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and for men, it can come as a welcome relief from taking total responsibility for giving a woman the 'gift' of sexual pleasure.

4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.

Learning more and better sex tips and tricks to bring you greater sexual satisfaction is not always the key to sexual fulfilment. Some people do have great sex lives and want to learn more about how to make it even better. In this kind of situation, tips and tricks can add another element to the relationship. However, if your sex life is not fulfilling you, expecting a quick fix in the form of 'things' to do to and with your partner is unlikely to bring you what you want. Technical proficiency alone can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if not for you than possibly for your partner. It comes back to the sex-self-spirit connection. Finding sexual happiness is not only about what you do. It is also about who you are. How willing are you to show yourself to another person. Can you let go enough emotionally and physically to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of being.

5. MASTURBATION IS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR 'PROPER' SEX.

Masturbation is a fantastic way to enhance partner sex because it is all about exploring your own sexual potential. You do not need a lover to explore your own sexuality and raise your sexual energy. In fact, the more you know about your own sexual response, the better the lover you can become. When you take responsibility for knowing about what you like and dislike, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please you. Most people like to be told and your clarity will give both of you greater confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people view masturbation as something of a last resort for a single person. However, learning how to pleasure yourself enables you to develop a rich fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other people.

Creating sustained sexual happiness requires you to be comfortable with who you are and that you are aware of your sexual style, likes and dislikes. You need to be able to communicate this to another person and not to be inhibited by fears of other people's possible perceptions. Other people's reactions are their problem, their issues - not yours. It can seem as if you have to take on board the discomfort and judgements of others but you do not. Remember that you get to decide how to react to other people and you can choose to be courageous, confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who you are as a sexual being.

Phone Sex 101 - A Short FAQ List

People are sexual creatures, so its no surprise that almost every new invention is given a sexual spin on its original purpose. Sex was probably the last thing on Alexander Graham Bells mind when he invented the telephone, but that doesn't make phone sex any less exciting.

Whats phone sex anyway?

For the sake of clarity, phone sex is defined as a phone conversation that aims to sexually arouse and stimulate the people involved. Most of the time, masturbation and orgasms are involved, but that mostly depends on the tastes of the callers. It doesn't matter if the phone call starts innocently as long as theres erotic content thats meant to stimulate both parties (or more, if you have conference call capabilities) its definitely considered as phone sex.

Should I pay for phone sex?

That depends. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is up for it, then you don't have to pay for quality phone sex. In fact, phone sex could be a good way to spice up your relationship. Other people with no sexual partners can find a friend or acquaintance who wouldn't mind having phone sex with them. However, many people turn to phone sex when they either don't want or don't have a sexual partner. In this case, you can call a professional for phone sex services. Another alternative is to visit a website meant for people who want to find phone sex partners. Keep in mind that most people who have phone sex with strangers have no intention of scheduling a face to face meeting.

How do I initiate phone sex with someone I know?

Its best not to take it too seriously if you've never tried it with a specific person before. If you're uncomfortable, be humorous about it make your phone sex offer sound like a joke. Its also a good idea to close your eyes and actually imagine that the person you're speaking with is actually next to you. If you're having a hard time doing this, make your physical environment conducive to sex. Light up some scented candles, put on some sexy music, etc. use whatever turns you on. The important thing is for both parties to feel comfortable and sexy in their respective locations. Once you've established this, you're good to go.

*Simple phone sex tip: If you're not sure how to get started, you can tell your partner about things that you wish were happening. Example: I wish we were lying together naked right now. Or I wish I could press my body against yours.

I'm not sure how to do this right, do you have any pointers?

Just like physical sexual contact, you need to develop a refined technique to turn on your partner. Your success depends mostly on how well you describe scenarios, as well as how vividly you visualize. Timing is very important. As with real-life sex, you have to get a rhythm down. This is why you shouldn't have phone sex when you're in a hurry. Quickies almost never work via phone sex, mostly because phone sex is most successful when expectations and excitement are built up.

Its also important to be considerate of the other person, to make sure that they're actually in the mood for phone sex. Chat about mundane things for a while and get to know more about their day, because initiating phone sex when someones dog just died never really works.

It helps to keep your language casual. Avoid sounding too technical by saying things like I want to slide my penis into your vagina. Its better if you can add a slang-type spin on the way you say these things.

When it comes to technique, the key is to be graphic but believable. Make sure that the moves you make are realistic, and that you keep in track of what position you're currently in. After all, you don't want to be interrupted by the other person saying How did that happen? I thought your hand was on my thigh?! Needless to say, you need to keep your graphic descriptions simple. Very long and complicated descriptions tend to confuse a lot of people. You don't want to sound like a badly translated electronics manual from China.

What are the advantages of having phone sex?

If you're having phone sex with someone you're in a relationship with, its a good way to tell your partner about your sexual fantasies. It also spices up your relationship, especially since most people forget to sexually indulge their partner in an auditory way (ex. Talking dirty, etc). This is also beneficial to long distance relationships, or couples with busy schedules. But remember phone sex shouldn't be the only way you satisfy your partner.

For those who have casual phone sex with acquaintances or strangers, the advantage is that you can do as much of it as you can without worrying about STDs and such. Its also a good way to learn new tricks that you can apply in bed when you have a chance.

What are disadvantages of having phone sex?

The trouble with phone sex, as with most good things, is that some people get addicted to it. When you spend too much time doing it via phone, that would give you less time to do it physically. You might even kill your sensitivity to a current/potential partners physical and emotional needs. Also, if you're using paid phone sex hotlines, you might incur too many expenses.

Sex Addiction

Just what is a sex addiction and can it be easily treated? If only there were easy answers to those questions.

We don't have to go further back than to the eighties before we can safely say that most people wouldn't have heard of sex addiction and even psychologists wouldn't have known how to treat it. Even today it's difficult to define whether or not a person has an addiction or is merely highly sexed and yet sexual addiction has been with us throughout recorded history. Today it's estimated that around 8% of the male population and 3% of females are sex addicts.

There's no doubt that sexual addictions have been heavily fuelled by the popularity of the Internet, simply because it's made sex easily available in both real and cyber forms. You can log on, meet somebody and be having cyber sex within a matter of minutes! And dating sites specifically designed to bring together people looking for no strings sex can be found on the virtual equivalent of every street corner.

Symptoms of Sex Addiction

Sex addicts are similar to any other addict in that they use their addiction as a means to controlling their stress levels. When things get on top of them, they turn to their preferred sexual activity in order to regain their personal equilibrium.

What's important to understand is that while most of us tend to believe that sex addicts will have any kind of sex just as long as it leads to orgasm, this is far from the truth. Just as with anybody else, those suffering from a sexual addiction have their preferred sexual practises but it's only when those practises interfere with an otherwise normal sex life or their lives in general and become a habitual need that can we say a person is a sex addict.

Simply put, those suffering from sex addiction display classic signs of compulsive behaviour. They MUST masturbate when they feel stressed; they MUST have sex with strangers in order to feel they have control over their lives; they MUST look at pornography on the Internet whenever they're unhappy. And it becomes a vicious circle: they become unhappy because they haven't looked at pornography, or they feel stressed because they haven't masturbated.

Sex addicts will increasingly need to move their boundaries in order to experience the same sense of relief or control. Where masturbation was once enough, they may move on to exhibitionism. This may then progress to meeting online 'friends' in person or paying prostitutes for sex. As with any other form of addiction, what once appeared to be an innocent form of sexual fulfilment escalates until it's uncontrollable.

Given a sex addict's preoccupation with sex it often comes as a surprise to others that those suffering from a sexual addiction probably aren't enjoying sex any more than the rest of us.

Aside from the breakdown of relationships, most forms of sexual addiction are harmless to anybody other than the addict. However, some sex addicts find themselves dependent on rape or child abuse in order to get their 'hit'. It's these cases that cause a real danger to society.

It's not unusual for sex addicts to experience shame because of their addiction. They know they spend too much time in chat rooms, or that they shouldn't risk hurting their partners by visiting prostitutes but are unable to stop themselves. Even though they try to stop they find themselves unable to. The result of sex addiction can be horrendous: marriage breakdowns, financial problems, low self-esteem, and sometimes arrest.

Can Sexual Addiction be Treated?

Luckily, the answer to this is yes but as with any treatment for addiction, the sex addict must understand that there is a problem and that it's highly unlikely to get better of its own accord.

We've all heard that there's no point in treating the symptoms without treating the cause and this certainly applies to the sex addict. The addict needs to understand the role that the sex addiction has served and address that. There are almost as many reasons for sexual addiction as there are addicts but some of the most common causes are abuse during childhood, lack of loving physical contact during childhood, lack of sexual interest within a relationship, and lack of self-esteem.

Once the root of the problem has been found the next step is to understand and accept that sexual addiction cannot be cured without abstinence. Just as it's not possible to stop smoking whilst smoking or stop drinking whilst drinking, you cannot stop being addicted to sex whilst having sex. During the period of abstinence the sex addict should be able to re-access the situation and find a new sense of purpose.

There are a variety of self-help groups available to join, and many find these helpful as they not only offer practical guidance but also give the sex addict confirmation that they're not alone. It can also often be easier to reach a goal if there are several people all heading in the same direction. After all, who wants to be the only one to have not managed to take control of their sex addiction?

A happy and fulfilling life without compulsive sex is possible for even those who have been sex addicts for many, many years. If you really want it, you can do it.

Good luck.