The Top 5 Sex Rules That Get In the Way of Great Sex

Each of us believes and defends our own set of sex rules. These rules are not facts. They are judgements and opinions that we believe to be real. It is important to recognise and examine the Sex Rules that we are carrying around with us and into every sexual encounter.

We learn about sex from our experiences, from other people and the world around us. Our culture circulates information and ideas about what sex is, what sex should be, how often we should be having sex, who we ought to be having sex with. We are all free to form our own opinions as to what we think about sex, what men are like, what women are like. Sometimes we choose to believe things that do not help us find and sustain sexual pleasure. Instead we buy into rules that lead us to suppress our deepest desires and to deny the hope that things can get better.

Some of your Sex Rules will hopefully be positive; beliefs about your entitlement to pleasure, your freedom to explore what sexual fulfilment means to you and recognition of your entitlement to awaken and celebrate your sexual potential. You are probably also investing in other beliefs, which may be destructive to having great sexual experiences and are actually a source of anxiety and insecurity that undermines your confidence. Awareness is key to change. So take a look at the 5 most common beliefs that block sexual happiness and see which ones sound familiar.

1. SHE/HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON

If we hold on to the idea that it is someone else's responsibility to 'give' us an orgasm, then we are abandoning our own responsibility. We are ALL different. There are no magical techniques that will send every single person into the throes of sexual ecstacy. Expecting your partner to be responsible for your sexual pleasure is unreasonable. It allows you to remain detached from your own sexuality and lets you hang onto an imagined sense of safety through the lack of your own participation and responsibility. You need to put yourself on the line and put out there what it is that you want. It may be easier to listen

to your fears and stay silent, hoping for the best, but when you open up you will build up your own self-esteem and confidence and respect for yourself and your sexual desires. You also enable your partner to do the same and both of you are starting to build successful sexual communication that will help you to find sexual fulfilment.

Any situation in which our anger and frustration are motivated by 'shoulds' indicated an abdication of responsibility. Mind reading, making assumptions about what other people should know, relieves you of having to go outside your familiar comfort zone and express your own needs and desires. You expect other people to make themselves vulnerable by exposing themselves to the risk of 'failure', not getting right what they 'should' already know. Do not make other people do the work for you, trying to guess what it is that you want. It is not a successful strategy for great sex and it leaves you vulnerable to feelings of disappointment and rejection each time somebody fails to behave as you expect him or her to.

2 SEXUAL PASSION IS DOOMED TO AN INEVITABLE DECLINE.

The dizzying chemistry of the first months can be turned into a deeper sex-self-spirit connection that heightens sexual pleasure. Do not give up trying; the less sex you have the easier it is to convince yourself that it isn't important and so you decide to bury your disappointment and frustration. In any relationship, levels of desire will fluctuate. This is not a disaster. Keep touching and being affectionate with each other and your attraction will return. The specific danger of this belief is that it justifies and reinforces the temptation to give up and stop trying to create and maintain sexual passion in a long-term relationship. This can easily lead to a situation in which there is no longer any physical touch between you and your partner and emotional connection and intimacy levels will begin to diminish.

Although it may not be easy, find the courage to talk to your partner if you feel that you are not happy with your current sex life otherwise your resentment that your sexual needs are unacknowledged and unmet can seep out and affect the general state of your relationship. You need to recognise that sometimes better sex takes some effort, time and commitment. It may not sound very sexy but sexiness is all in your perception. Some people choose to investigate Tantric practices, which widen the possibilities of what sex can be by seeing that sexuality can be experienced beyond the typical Western penetration-ejaculation approach. For other people, making the decision to make time for sex is enough to re-ignite the sense of intimacy and enjoyment that has been lost.

3. A REAL MAN IS READY FOR SEX, ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE

This conviction completely simplifies and trivialises men's sexual responses. Men's levels of desire are affected by their thoughts and feelings, just as women's are. Men are not sexual machines who ready to perform upon command, although many messages that we receive about sex tell us that this is the case. This puts tremendous pressure on the man, leading to the performance anxiety that is familiar to many men. Somehow, when sex fails, for some women it is easier to blame the man rather than acknowledging that sexual connections between two people are controlled and created by both of those people, not just the man. When a woman believes this to be true, she is vulnerable to feeling undesirable and unwanted whenever her partner does not want to have sex. For some women reflecting upon their assumptions can enable them to take more responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and for men, it can come as a welcome relief from taking total responsibility for giving a woman the 'gift' of sexual pleasure.

4. THE MORE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES/POSITIONS I KNOW, THE BETTER THE LOVER I AM.

Learning more and better sex tips and tricks to bring you greater sexual satisfaction is not always the key to sexual fulfilment. Some people do have great sex lives and want to learn more about how to make it even better. In this kind of situation, tips and tricks can add another element to the relationship. However, if your sex life is not fulfilling you, expecting a quick fix in the form of 'things' to do to and with your partner is unlikely to bring you what you want. Technical proficiency alone can make for an emotionally isolating experience, if not for you than possibly for your partner. It comes back to the sex-self-spirit connection. Finding sexual happiness is not only about what you do. It is also about who you are. How willing are you to show yourself to another person. Can you let go enough emotionally and physically to open yourself up to pleasure? Sometimes too much emphasis on doing is a way of masking and denying what is wrong in your state of being.

5. MASTURBATION IS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR 'PROPER' SEX.

Masturbation is a fantastic way to enhance partner sex because it is all about exploring your own sexual potential. You do not need a lover to explore your own sexuality and raise your sexual energy. In fact, the more you know about your own sexual response, the better the lover you can become. When you take responsibility for knowing about what you like and dislike, then you are able to show and/or tell a partner how to please you. Most people like to be told and your clarity will give both of you greater confidence and control over your sexual experiences. Many people view masturbation as something of a last resort for a single person. However, learning how to pleasure yourself enables you to develop a rich fantasy life that can enhance your sexual relationships with other people.

Creating sustained sexual happiness requires you to be comfortable with who you are and that you are aware of your sexual style, likes and dislikes. You need to be able to communicate this to another person and not to be inhibited by fears of other people's possible perceptions. Other people's reactions are their problem, their issues - not yours. It can seem as if you have to take on board the discomfort and judgements of others but you do not. Remember that you get to decide how to react to other people and you can choose to be courageous, confident and in the certainty that you know and accept who you are as a sexual being.